People are the way they are despite you.

The best advice my mother ever gave me about dating and relationships came when I was only 16 years old. Unfortunately, I ignored it for years, and it ended up costing me inordinate amounts of time, effort, and emotion – all on the wrong people. And here is what she said:

"People are the way they are despite you, not because of you."

One of the biggest mistakes we can make in relationships is by not accepting

people for who they truly are. We do so by believing our love can save them, change them, transform them. It is a form of denial that often proves to be costly and painful.

In my new book Until, I write about how I often treated the men in my life like they were cars with a broken tailpipe or house flips from HGTV (Has great bones and with a little bit of work will be exactly what we want).

In other words, they were something I needed to rehabilitate, renovate, or rebuild instead of loving them for who they truly were as human beings. It left me in some pretty unsuccessful situationships for years until I finally got it – got what my mother had been trying to tell me all those years ago.

In the past week, a lot has been written about the breakup of Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban.  In media reports, people have used words like unexpected, surprising – shocking even – but was it?

In the early 2000’s Keith Urban’s ex-fiancée Laura Sigler sent an ominous warning to Kidman when news broke of their engagement back in 2006. According to Sigler, Urban was “unable to commit to any woman.”

 She told the Mail via The Sydney Morning that Nicole and Keith may “date for a while but it won’t last. He had numerous flings while we were together. He talks about having a family but there is a dark side to him. He was a drunk, and a drug user.”

Even if Nicole had missed out on those comments, it was hardly a secret around Hollywood that Keith had a slew of other girlfriends even after they began dating. She had to have known – but dove in anyway – and I have an idea why.

In her mind, she was the exception. She believed in him. She believed in their love. She believed, in time, he would grow and evolve into the person she knew he was capable of being.

So, instead of walking away, Kidman staged an intervention and promptly sent him to rehab with the hope that her love and support would eventually transform him into that great man she knew he could be.

But it is never your job to fix someone. Nor is it your responsibility to carry someone through life and all its hardships. That is not love. That’s codependency, and a relationship built on codependency is doomed to fail.

Love is about truly appreciating someone for who they are, as they are, right now. It’s knowing their faults and weaknesses and choosing to love them anyway. It’s about being honest with yourself about what you can and cannot live with – and protecting yourself and your heart.

Don’t get me wrong. Codependents are wonderful people… to everyone but themselves. And Nicole Kidman is just another example of how no amount of beauty, talent, or wealth is enough to save someone or make things work, because – again – people are the way they are despite you. Your love alone cannot save them.

The Buddha once said: ‘No one can save us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.’

And the best way to predict someone’s future behavior is to take a close look at their relevant past behavior, as any psychologist would be happy to tell you.

Chances are they were drunk, sick, addicted, toxic, and/or commitment-phobic long before they met you – and will be long after you’re gone. I always say we must treat these men as if they’re a speeding, out-of-control car. You need to get the hell out of their way the moment you see them coming – since there is nothing you can do to stop them, and you’re just going to end up as collateral damage if you do.

So, always protect your heart and your energy by doing these three things:

• Accepting people for who they truly are right now and not giving into someday thinking, i.e., Someday he’ll be a good husband. Someday he’ll understand what I mean to him.

• Recognizing red flags without ignoring, minimizing, or rationalizing them away.

• Acting on those red flags by walking away without guilt, shame, or regret. You can feel sorry for someone else’s pain, addictions, childhood trauma, etc., but unless that person has sought professional help for themselves, they’re bound to repeat their pattern of behavior for reasons I outline in my new book Rolled in Glitter: The 16 Decisions that Lead to Lasting Relationships.

Understanding that people are who they are, despite you, is the first step toward healthy relationships. Join my email list to access ongoing expert advice, research-based dating insights, and actionable tips for building strong, lasting relationships.